Is Self-Care Selfish?

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Psst… just looking for the amazing resources from this episode on progress over perfection? I’ve got you covered.

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A lot of us ladies find ourselves neglecting our own well-being because we feel guilty for spending our time and money on ourselves when we believe it could be better spent elsewhere. But is self-care selfish?

I know self-care is a super trendy topic right now. So much so that I used to roll my eyes when I heard people talk about it. I mean, come on, where am I supposed to find time for a spa day when I can barely keep my kids alive each day? 

But over the last few years, my mindset has really shifted, and I’ve come to understand that the lens through which we view self-care is so so flawed. 

And I’ve come to believe that the question we should be asking is: how do I not have time for self-care when I have to keep my kids alive and well. And I have to run my home like a CEO and my business like a boss. When I have a marriage to nurture, and a legacy to leave. 

Because I’ve learned that when I’m not taking care of myself, all of those important people and things suffer too. They can’t thrive because I’m not thriving. They aren’t well because I’m not well. And if that wasn’t enough, I also had to consider the example I was setting by teaching my kids they weren’t important enough to make time for. 

And as I’m coming out of a hard season of burnout, I now understand that not taking time for self-care is actually one of the most selfish things we can do as a wives and mothers.

Self-Care Doesn’t Have To Be Complicated or Expensive

Self-care doesn’t have to be complicated, expensive, or take up a ton of time. 

I think that was probably the biggest thing that kept me from being consistent with my self-care sooner. I thought that the only way to really move the weariness meter was to get out of the house and have a spa day.

And to be honest, there are seasons where that’s the kind of self-care I need. To really step away from the daily grind and refocus on what matters all by myself, but a once a year massage and a monthly mani/pedi just isn’t enough to keep up with the day to day stresses of mom life. 

So I started looking into smaller, more practical, everyday ways to rest and restore. 

And the very first thing I tried was listening to audiobooks while I cooked and cleaned. I love to read, and being able to pop in an earbud and get lost in a story while I folded laundry was such a relief. Because I loathe the laundry. Like suck the life out you loathe it. I don’t even know why, but I discovered that when I pair something I love with a chore I dislike, it makes life feel a little bit lighter. 

And I know it sounds strange to pair your self-care with a chore, but for me anyway, it really helped me serve the people I love with a more joyful heart.

From there, I added in a nightly bath after my boys went to bed. And to this day, this is the single most restorative thing I do for myself on a daily basis.

I’m a total introvert, and I really need peace and quiet at the end of a LOUD testosterone fueled day with my boys. And my baths are my time. Alone. With candles, and essential oil epsom salts, and a book. 

These are the steps I started with because I was able to build them into my day without changing anything about our routines. I was already doing chores, why not find a way to enjoy them more. And I was already staying up after my boys went to bed, bingeing Netflix, so instead of doing something that revved my brain up, I decided to trade that time for something to help me wind down, sleep better, and wake up a better mama than I went to bed.

There’s a whole lot of science behind giving up screens before bedtime that I won’t get into here, but if you have this same late night Call the Midwife problem that I had, you should definitely look into it!

But the point is, when we make self care complicated, we won’t do it. It’s that simple. 

So start with something small that doesn’t require a ton of extra effort on your part, and as you start feeling less like the lochness monster and more like the beauty that you are, you’ll just might discover that it’s a treat to carve out time for yourself, not a burden.

If you’re looking for some easy, practical ways to implement self-care into your busy mom life, check out my five day Out of Overwhelm Challenge for Moms. It includes a printable with my favorite Simple Self-Care Solutions For Busy Moms.

It’s Not About Worthiness, It About Fixing The Mess

Now, I know that I just gave you two super practical ways to build self-care into an already jam packed schedule, but I know that even that can feel impossible when you’re drowning in overwhelm. 

And I’ve come to believe that it’s not because we can’t make it happen, it’s because we don’t believe we deserve to feel good. So we punish ourselves for our messy homes and our messy lives and our messy feelings rather than taking action that will allow us to fix the mess!

If you want to break the cycle of overwhelm for good, you have to be at your best. Whether you deserve it or not is not the question: it’s whether you can dig yourself out of overwhelm if you do it. 

Because you’ll never the break the crazy cycle if you keep doing what you’ve always done. Something has to change. 

When All Else Fails, Simplify Your Life

So if you really and truly can’t find a way to carve out 20 minutes for you each day, it’s time to simplify.

What can you let go of in this season? And I don’t want to hear nothing. Only you have the power to change your circumstances. I know it doesn’t always feel that way. Believe me. I’m no stranger to thinking that if I only had more help or if I only had the money that she has or if I only had well-behaved girls. But the truth is, I don’t have those things, and I have to put on my big girl panties and own the life I have. 

It may not be easy, but there’s always a choice, and sometimes you have to choose your hard. 

Too many extracurricular days away from home, take a season off. Too many meals to cook, Pickup Chick-Fil-A a night or two. It doesn’t have to be ideal – it just has to work for a while so you can get your ish together, girl. 

Once you let go of the things that are draining you dry, you can start to build a life that you actually want to wake up to each day.

What If I’m Not Overwhelmed Right Now?

Really and truly, this is too important not to take seriously. 

But I’ve also come to learn that not every mama struggles the same way with these feelings of depletion and overwhelm. Maybe you’re in a season where you’re feeling pretty good. You’re on a mountaintop and it’s been a while since you’ve had to trudge through the valley. 

That’s amazing, and I’m super happy for you. But the question I’d pose is this: how long can you stay at the top? 

My pastor once said, “Everyone is either in a storm, going into a storm, or coming out of a storm.” And I think it’s so true. 

I just want to make sure you’re ready when the storm comes again. It’s always better to be prepared, and take care of yourself now then it is to dig yourself out once you’re buried.

One of my favorite quotes is from The final Hunger Games Book, Mockingjay when Finnick tells Katniss:

“It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”

Suzanne Collins, MockingJay

Now, you guys, I love me some Finnick O’Dair – forget team Gale or Peeta – I’m team Finnick all the way. 

But that quote is the story of my life. I start to think I’ve got it all together and finally figured it all out. Life is good, until it’s not, and I find myself scrambling to pick up the pieces as they fall apart.

It took me a long time to realize that the best time to love myself well is before I’m in a place where I have no other choice. 

So if you’re in a good place today – awesome. But use this time well, sweet friend. Because these fruitful seasons are gift. Start taking care of yourself now, so you’re ready and your tank is FULL when a winter season of the heart finds you again. 

The Short and Sweet

Self-care is something that we all know we need. Even if deep down we don’t feel worthy of it. Even if we’re used to putting ourselves last. 

But what we need to remember is that in order to put others first, and really give them our best, we have to make sure our souls are restored. Because you can’t pour out from an empty well. 

It’s not selfish to be well rested so you can serve from a place of abundance. It’s not selfish to make sure you’re setting an example of self-love for your kids, and it’s not selfish to be your best self so you can build a legacy worth passing down to the next generation.

Taking care of you is the most selfless thing you can do, mama. 

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Resources we talked about in this episode…

Beginner’s Guide to Purposeful Motherhood

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Freebie ALERT!

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