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Do you struggle with mom guilt when you yell at your kids, but you have no idea how to stop yelling? I never would’ve guessed that I’d be an angry mom, but yelling has definitely turned out to be my biggest mom struggle.
Today, Amber Lia and I discuss what it means to be triggered in your motherhood and marriage, and how to plan ahead so you can react with love and grace rather than exploding in anger.
You’re Not Alone
When Amber was a young mom, she felt very alone in her anger as a mother, and she felt a lot of guilt and shame around her yelling. But once she started talking about it publicly, she found that this was a pretty universal issue that no one was really talking about.
So she and her friend, Wendy Speake, wrote Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses and Parenting Scripts: When What You’re Saying Isn’t Working, Say Something New, so they could turn the tide and help women enjoy being moms and enjoy their children more.
We Need A Better Plan
Yelling is a habit, and when we want to break other bad habits in our lives, or even just fix a problem that occurs, we formulate a plan.
For example: if your laundry turns out red, you evaluate what went wrong and do something different next time. But when you’re dealing with people and relationships, it can seem more complicated when, really, it doesn’t have to be.
Put Yourself In Your Kids Shoes
How open are you, as a woman, to correction and coachability when someone’s raising their voice at you?
If you don’t respond well as an adult, how can you expect your immature children to respond and change in a positive direction when you’re yelling at them? It’s not logical.
Yelling Is Just The Grown Up Version Of Throwing A Tantrum
When our kids throw a tantrum, they look kind of foolish, but then we, the adult – who should know better – also throws a tantrum to match theirs, and now we just have two fools. And our kids don’t need a fool, they need a parent who is going to model correct behavior.
Whenever we match fire with fire, we only make it worse. But when someone comes at us with a gentle and quiet spirit, it immediately calms the situation.
When there’s a pattern as a mom of being slow to anger, we quiet a lot of the contention in our homes, with our children, and in our marriage.
Teach, Train, & Correct Outside Of Conflict
When you want to learn how to stop yelling, learning to communicate outside of conflict is key. The heat of the moment is when we escalate to a level we don’t want to go to. Amber recommends taking a “holy pause” whenever we feel a trigger happening and our body starts tensing to just breathe and calm dow.
It’s okay to delay correction until everyone is calm, so we don’t add fire to the fire.
Kindness Is What Leads Us To Repentance
Harsh, punitive parenting doesn’t lead kids to repentance and heart change. It only creates an appearance of control, and results in a breaking of relationship.
God’s example is patience. He doesn’t call us to account for every little sin. Instead, He whispers the Truth in tenderness, and disciplines when needed.
This is not permissive parenting. It’s intentional parenting.
We Can’t Parent Because Of Our Fears Or Our Peers
Fear in parenting comes from a good place of wanting the best for our kids, but at the end of the day, we can’t control anyone. This is really about allowing our children to make their own choices as we guide them.
And remember, their behavior is not a reflection of us, so we don’t need to act or discipline differently in front our peers for fear that we will be seen lacking.
Mom As Coach
When you take things one trigger at a time, you are able to walk alongside your kids as you teach and train them the way a coach would. And you can include them in the problem solving, so that you empower them to learn to come up with their own solutions.
Then practice outside of conflict with words of affirmation.
The Words You Speak Matter
You can choose to build up or tear down with your words. And when you build love, and respect, and trust, and relationship you become a safe place for your kids to confide and rest. They know you are for them, just like God is for us.
If you haven’t been doing this, please know that it’s never too late to begin repairing relationships.
This Works For Your Marriage Triggers Too
Triggers in marriage can be hard, much harder even than triggers in parenting because you both come into the relationship with baggage. There are deeper issues that have to be dealt with.
So in Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses, Amber and her husband, Guy, say the answer is that you have to start with you. Because you can’t shape your spouse the way you’re shaping and molding your children.
Are you willing to do the right thing in your marriage simply because it’s the right thing to do, without the expectation that your spouse is going to change? Because whether or not it transforms them, it will transform you.
Taking Care Of You Is The Key To Relationship Success
If you aren’t taking care of you – getting enough sleep, hydration, eating healthfully – it has a direct ripple effect into all of your relationships.
We have to take ownership of ourselves, because no one else is going to. And we’re going to be more triggered at 3pm when we run out of steam because we only got six hours of sleep last night, and our emotions are out of control.
Moms have to stop sacrificing themselves on the altar of service if they want to step into their own unique calling. Our motherhood and marriages should compliment that calling, not replace it.
More From Amber Lia
Hit play to hear the my full conversation with Amber Lia where we discuss how to stop yelling, and speak truth and life into your motherhood and marriage.
To learn more about Amber, follow her at www.motherofknights.com, on Facebook, or on Instagram.
Resources we talked about in this episode…
Triggers: Exchanging Parents’ Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses
Parenting Scripts: When What You’re Saying Isn’t Working, Say Something New
Marriage Triggers: Exchanging Spouses’ Angry Reactions For Gentle Biblical Responses
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